Brazilian photographer Ana Paula Grillo has gained worldwide attention for her maternity photos–of dogs.
And it is catching on.
Ladies and gentlemen, just when you thought “doggy mommies” couldn’t get any more obnoxious, I give you “doggy grandmas.”
That’s right–those douchebags who think that owning a canine is just like having a child? Well, they are now going to be bombarding your news feeds with ridiculous birth announcements of their fur grandchildren.
I’m not hating on the puppies, y’all. Puppies are adorable–there are few things in this world cuter than puppies. In fact, I can only think of three:
1. A teacup piglet wearing welly boots.
2. Zach Braff in the third season of Scrubs.
3. ACTUAL HUMAN BABIES.
That’s why I’m calling bullshit on doggie maternity shoots.
Dog moms, we get it when you dress Rover up in a Santa Claus suit and pose with him for your Christmas cards.
We smile politely when Buster humps our legs at your dinner party.
We even hold our tongues when you refer to Rufus as your “son” when all we want to do is sarcastically ask:
Where can I get a crate to put my baby in all day while I’m at work?
Do you know any kennels who will board my toddler so that the hubby and I can have a weekend away?
Which $100,000 college are you re-mortgaging your house for once your “son” has finished high school?
How did you cope with the vicious pregnancy hemorrhoids after pushing your fur baby out of your vagina for four hours?
My new apartment building doesn’t allow children. Do you know of any shelters where I can re-home my rescue-baby?
Which parenting books are you reading about language development, discipline, peer pressure, sexual education, literacy, toilet training, attachment, empathy-building, special needs, self-esteem, and/or picky eating? (Not that Bowser is a picky eater–I’m pretty sure I saw him eat his own turd once.)
Can we please call doggie maternity shoots what they really are?
Nonsense.
That dog of yours doesn’t want to commemorate her fertility with a Kodak moment. She wants to eat your shoe, sit on your lap, and fart. You can love her, you can adore her puppies, but please stop acting like she’s a human.
And, so help me God, if any one of you starts a GoFundMe page to raise money for your “fur baby adoption” campaign, I’m going to lose my shit.
That is all.
Now, enjoy this photograph of a teacup piglet in welly boots, and don’t say I never did anything nice for you.
